Does "getting it out of our system" really work?
Corinne Albrecht
Member, AFS Staff Rank ✭8✭
I've been working on continuing my psychological education and on the menu this week is: complaining! I'm actually very intrigued by complaining/negativity and what it does for our psyche. I used to be Team Vent Everything Always, but I've since learned negative feelings are way more complicated than that. The energy you put into the world does not evaporate; the feelings that you speak life into do not disappear just because you said them out loud. I very much believe in this.
The first "article meal" on my list this week is one from Psych Central about the way negativity can fester in our brains, even if our intention is to get rid of it. What I found most interesting in this piece was the concept of synapse bridges and how quickly a thought can travel. I knew about synapses and such, but I hadn't considered bridges that thoughts use for travel. If the bridge is shorter (aka if the synapses are closer together), the thought will arrive much quicker. No wonder it's so hard to get out of a negative spiral--all my yucky synapses are too close together!
This is a pretty nuanced topic that I have a lot of thoughts about, but I learn best by talking with others :) Do you see complaining, venting, and negativity as distinctly different or one in the same? What's been your experience?
Comments
I think what we say actually can influence how we feel. So choosing ahead of time to not complain, but find a way to reframe it in a good way way makes me feel better :)
@Heidi Morris completely agree! Reframing can do a lot for your mindset. I often ask myself "What am I trying achieve right now?" It helps reframe that complaint and channel it into something productive ("what can I do about this?"). At other times, reframing allows me to abandon the complaint because it never had a real purpose anyway :)
I think this would be a great topic for @Devin Tarrant to weigh in on. Based on having some deeper conversations with Devin on things related to this topic (and some things I've seen him post in employee threads) I think he would say this is more a matter of your perspective and the "story" you're telling yourself around what you're venting about. I'll leave that to Devin to talk more on that.
For my part, I will say, I think if you're truly upset about something that you need to let out, you really need to ask yourself if it's necessary, healthy, or productive to really be that upset. I find in most cases it's usually not (or at least not to the degree we tend to think it is). I also think if the perspective you're bringing into a conversation is I need to "vent," "let it out," or "blow off some steam" (however you put it) I think you're already setting yourself up for it to be negative process. All of the words used for this activity tend to have a negative connotation to them. I would challenge you to shift your perspective on the concept of "venting" to more of a "conversation to gain clarity" (or insight rather) rather than venting. It just seems to put things in a more positive/instructive light.
Don't get me wrong I absolutely think talking through things can be constructive, if done right, and with the right person/people. I think getting it right starts with the frame of mind concept I mentioned above (venting vs. conversation). Secondly, I firmly believe that talking helps to get thoughts out of your head and into words. First so you can hear them aloud and verify if they're truly valid concerns (sometimes we just can't do this when they're in our heads for whatever reason). Then secondly when those words are said to the right person, that person can help you view things differently (maybe help you reframe as @Heidi Morris said). The right listener can also help you bring out the underlying emotions that might be driving you into a negative place. I think the operative question here is who is the right person? Is it someone who will really listen, be reflective with you, and challenge you on your beliefs and mindset. If that is the case than I think it can be very constructive. If it's just someone who is going to validate your sense of "upsetness" (if you will) than I don't know how constructive I feel that is. I've seen many situations where one negative perspective just validates another negative perspective and nothing positive comes from it at all.
In summary, I think fundamentally shifting to a positive/constructive perspective of why you want to share a concern out loud is the first step (don't vent, rather speak to gain clarity). The second step is finding the right person to listen to you who will actually help make the conversation something positive and instructive rather than something this just complaining on top of complaining. I'd love to hear everyone else's thoughts on this. This is a very rich topic and I'm sure there are a lot of great insights our community can give.
Michael E. Stack, BS CFP CSCS*D CPS
AGENT OF CHANGE, CEO, & Exercise Physiologist
There's a ton of research on neuroplasticity which basically states that "Every time we think the same thought (whether it’s a positive or negative thought), or act in the same way (whether it’s something small like cracking an egg or larger like taking the subway across our city), we deepen the neural pathways in our brain which more firmly establishes habitual thinking or behavior patterns (for better or for worse)." (LINK).
In that vein, I would say that if we complain, we are reinforcing the neural pathways that lead to negative thinking.. That said, that's just where my thoughts go, so I went in search of a good resource/article on this, and there were many. This is the one that hit me the hardest: Which Wolf Are you Feeding?
In particular, I enjoyed the Cherokee parable she shared.. I also liked that she makes the distinction between feeling spontaneous and acute emotional responses to an event, versus what she calls "chronic, habitual, repetitive thinking habits that occur even when there’s no direct external correlation to the internal rumination you may be experiencing."
I feel like that distinction there is a big key difference between a normal human reaction, versus reinforcing chronic negativity.
This is a thick, but important and interesting topic. Thanks for starting this dialogue!
Agent of Change / Fitness Innovation & Education Coordinator
@Mike Stack @Sawyer Paull-Baird oh definitely agree with you both! I've always liked the "what wolf did you feed" parable and there's a lot of value in expressing yourself, for sure. As someone who historically keeps everything inside and buries it for roughly 10 years (😂), I've definitely learned how much of a positive thing it can be to share your feelings. The important thing is always intent and how you go about it.
I did a lot of research on catharsis (aka venting) in my social psychology class and one of the key pieces to catharsis is, basically, it isn't real--or at least not like we think it is! It's not enough to simply get out your frustration, whatever method you choose to do so (physical, verbal, etc). There has to be a second piece of actual reflection, consideration of feelings and their true source, and then action based off the whole experience. If you go to the punching bag to work out your anger, but don't stop to consider why you're angry or what healthy way you can resolve that anger, you're actually more likely to behave aggressively. Below is a quote from my class that I refound during my psych readings this week and I think it sums it up pretty well.
As psychologist Rollo May (1969) observed, this ventilationist mentality is "an egregious mistake of much contemporary psychotherapy--mainly the illusion that merely experiencing or acting out is all that is necessary for cure. Experiencing is absolutely essential; but if it occurs without the changing of the patient's concepts, symbols, and myths, the ‘experiencing' is truncated and has a masturbatory rather than fully procreative character."
Thanks @Mike Stack for mentioning me on this one! And yes, I am very interested in this topic. I could talk about it for hours but I'll do my best to keep this short!
I reached a point in my life when I realized I was trying to gain more "intellect" to solve my problems. After failing (a several thousand times...at least) I started to realize that there are actually two critical things we need to continue sharpening our entire lives. 1.) Intellect. Yes, we need to continue growing our knowledge base, but #2 was Perspective. Our perspective, AKA "story", is going to drive our intellect in a particular direction. To me, this means neither of those things is "more important" than the other. We spend most of our "intellectual life" being taught that memorizing a bunch of things makes you smarter. I think we're all plenty smart to solve our problems but we need a shift in perspective more than anything else. If you're looking at things through the wrong lens you are going to solve the wrong problem. When that happens, no amount of knowledge is going to fix what is broken. If you think about it, I don't think anything can really be "positive" or "negative" in the first place :) Those words are only used because you're comparing something that happened, or something that is, to an expectation you have. Is an expectation a real thing? If not, can anything based on an expectation be real? Who knows?! But we should all keep questioning everything. Thanks for posting the topic, @Corinne Albrecht
Wowza, @Sawyer Paull-Baird - just that title alone “What Wolf Are You Feeding” has me curious enough to read that article.
@Corinne Albrecht : it’s such a joy to learn that you are continuing your psychological education and feel that the AFS Community is a safe space to share your findings and ask questions of others. Particularly wise that you stated: “the feelings that you speak to life do not disappear just because you said them out loud. I very much believe in this.” Your conviction shows a maturity that rocks.
On a social level, I do think it’s challenging to maintain resilience or persistence when around chronic, habitual or repetitive thinking. A lot of time as well as potential of human connection can be wasted in route statements: “yep, it’s just a Tuesday,” “that’ll always be what it is,” “I’m fine thanks - you?” To that I say, preserve your spirit <3
You raised cognitive points though and we’re living in a time wherein neurological differences are being discussed more widely than ever. One person can feel the need to ‘talk someone’s ear off,’ while another person is earnestly fine being of ‘a person of few words.’ A movie I enjoyed growing up that discusses neurological differences, is Adam. Link enclosed to the trailer. For the time it in which it was released, it was progressive.
As far as "Does getting it out of our system really work?" Yes. It's a matter of how healthy you do so. Versus labeling thoughts, or talking with others, I’d offer just observing your thoughts:
Recording yourself speaking the topic/thoughts, crying the thoughts, whatever it may be for 3 days in a row anytime that thought comes in your head; you may have a lot of short videos. After a few days have passed, play each day back. Observe what thoughts remained as through lines, and what may have just been something you needed to vocalize but now has passed.
I believe the more you work to gain temperance of your mind, observance of yourself, the more comfortable you’ll be during moments in life where you may be alone and needing to pull strength and the better you'll be able to communicate what matters from the thoughts of yours that you observed to others if they're part of what's causing friction.
You r.o.c.k.
Angela Johnson
@Angela Johnson first, thanks :) Second, definitely! Too much of anything isn't healthy. "Everything in moderation" isn't just for food!
Per your thought on neurodivergence: oh for sure. I kept things general for a general understanding, but there will always be a degree of personal-difference and nuance to topics like this. Cognitively we all may behave or understand differently, thus not everything is equally applicable to everyone. I am always doing my best to be considerate of such :)
I like your recommendation of recording yourself. Audio journals are great for people who are on the go or who have trouble putting word to paper, and like you said, playing them back can help you understand what thoughts remained (and thus which might be important to communicate to relevant parties) or what was maybe just a feelings-fueled statement that didn't truly reflect your heart or spirit.
If I have a negative experience or thought that I just can't just let go, that's hanging around for a day or two, I find it is very helpful to approach the situation in a logical way by writing down some notes: 1. What caused the negative thought, (what happened?); 2. what are the automatic thoughts resulting from that event that are floating around in my brain (I hurt somebody, that was a dumb thing to say/do); 3. what are my emotions that correspond to my thoughts (sadness, disgust, regret); 4. List the proof that your thoughts are supported; 5. List the proof that your thoughts are not supported. Plan a way to resolve issue (if it still needs to be resolved at this point) Most of the time by the time I finish step 4 or 5, my emotional responses to the event have gone away, however if it is a situation that needs to be resolved, you have identified the emotional impact of the event so that you can logically take care of business. Acting in a knee-jerk emotional way is not very constructive. The hardest part of this whole thing is NOT REACTING until you have thought it through.
@Cheryl Esfahan, very well said. I couldn't agree more!
Michael E. Stack, BS CFP CSCS*D CPS
AGENT OF CHANGE, CEO, & Exercise Physiologist
@Cheryl Esfahan I love that. I plan to use that myself.
Agent of Change / Fitness Innovation & Education Coordinator
I used to be the type of person that keeps a lot of stuff in, honestly I still do at times, but since working at AFS it has allowed me to grow as an individual and be open with how I am feeling may that be positive or negative thoughts I may have throughout the day. I still struggle with expressing my feelings at time and I often need to take time to process how I am feeling before I can vocalize how I am actually feeling. I love to journal and it helps me process all my thoughts so I have a clearer view of what is actually going through my head. When I experience negative thoughts, I often keep those to myself which always isn't the best either. I ask myself is this worth discussing with someone and will it make me feel better if I open up about it? Re-framing my thoughts and really sitting down with my own thoughts has been helping a lot. I think venting even if it is negative at times is okay and can be helpful just make sure if you are "complaining" that it is not negatively affecting others.
@Cheryl Esfahan having the patience to be introspective and not just push aside our emotions but honestly work through them, even as they start to dissipate, is really so important. Sometimes those knee-jerk emotions show uncomfortable parts of ourselves, but that's how we find the nugget of truth in our hearts--or that it was never that big of a deal in the first place. From there you can start to resolve the issue, like you said!
I really like how you've broken it down into pieces and steps; that takes a lot of reflection and self-checking of "what am I doing here? what step did I just take?" You should be proud of yourself for recognizing that!
@Mikayla Ollila for sure. I too am not super good at expressing myself, or even allowing myself to feel the full spectrum of whatever I'm feeling at the point. There is so much value in having people you can go to and say, "Man, I'm feeling yucky about X or Y. Why is that? I feel stuck." Equally valuable is having that conversation with yourself! I think journaling is a fabulous vehicle for self-talk and reflection and gradually building up the strength to express yourself in ways that are both healthy and kind. Keep up the hard, good work :))